On the Road Without A Map in the Rain and I Don't Like It

I was sitting in a meeting two days ago, happy as could be.  When all of the sudden someone said, "I nominate Heather."  The rest of the conversation was a blur lost in the midst of the flush coming to my cheeks, the knot in my stomach, the tightening of my chest…

It was an opportunity, or unfortunate short straw depending on how you look at it.  But I was the one in focus.  I said no.  Knowing deep down that if it was best for the team, I would of course say yes.  I told my team that I needed time, which they granted me.

That afternoon on my drive home from work, I did something that I'm ashamed to admit I don't do too often.  I prayed.  I prayed out loud.  In a silent car.

I prayed for guidance, for discernment to see what God's call is in the situation.  For peace and patience.

It was awkward.  It felt so weird  And then I felt guilty for feeling so weird.  Like somehow that makes me a fake Christian.  Or that I never really was one.  

Then I feel even more guilt because I feel guilty about feeling weird.  Lost in a tumble of guilt, confusion and a sense of awkwardness I don't know what to do.  I don't know what is next.

That sense of being on the road, without a map, in the rain, with a hankering for coffee and having no idea where to turn.  

I don't like it and I don't know what to do about it.  

I want to feel more confident in my faith, particularly my prayer life.  But I don't know how.

And the not knowing, admitting to not knowing where to turn, makes me feel like a bad person. 

So here I sit, hoping that as I type some clarity will come.  Though I sense it won't.  I sense this is a discussion I need to have with someone face to face.  Who that person is, I don't know.  

And there again are three of my least favorite words… I.  Don't.  Know.

Remember, many things in life can wait,

but taking a moment to acknowledge your feelings,

and The Sunset Won't.